Retirement Loss: The Changes We Don’t Always Expect

Loss in Retirement

Loss is not the first thing that we associate with retirement and yet it quietly shows up in many forms.

I have become acutely aware these days of how loss seems to accelerate in the retirement years, particularly as loved ones pass on. But there are other types of loss as well: the loss of a dream, a job ending, dementia affecting family members, friends moving away or simply no longer seeing eye to eye.

These experiences can be difficult to navigate, and everyone responds differently. I firmly believe that we need to feel all the feels and process these events both emotionally and intellectually.

We are human beings, not machines.

Honouring a Life

This weekend, I will attend the funeral of my mother-in-law. She was 94 years old and lived a full life.

The last couple of years, mercifully short, she was in decline and not able to do some of the things that she loved as a result of compromised mobility along with degraded hearing and sight. The fact that she is now at peace is some consolation but it does not remove the pain of knowing that I will never speak with her again or hear her laugh. Even more so for her children.

The family has spent a few weeks pouring through photo albums, digital pictures and songs to accompany a slide show as a tribute to her life. We have photos of her as a baby and at various ages that allow us to paint a picture of her life unfolding.  This was one of the ways that we are able to honour her and the life that she lived.

My youngest lovingly suggested that we say a few words about her as we surrounded her at the end. What came up for me was that she was an incredibly elegant woman that carried herself with confidence and conviction.

I was actually a little intimidated by her when we met 35 years ago.

I came to deeply appreciate the strong woman that she was and the legacy of love she created for her family and through her volunteer work.

The Many Forms of Loss

Death is perhaps the most visible form of loss, but there are many others instances of retirement loss that we rarely talk about.

We may experience:

• the loss of mobility or physical independence
• the loss of familiar routines and structure
• the loss of a career identity
• the loss of long-held dreams
• the loss of relationships as life paths diverge

Yet we often move quickly past these changes without giving ourselves time to process what they mean.

I recently took a Grief for Coaches program through Coach Academy and attended an International Coaching Federation webinar on the same topic. Continuing to learn about grief and transition is important to me as a coach so that I can better support clients navigating these changes.

When the Body Reminds Us

Loss can also appear in unexpected ways.

When I broke my wrist a little over a year ago, I was shocked by how quickly independence can disappear. For several weeks I couldn’t do much of anything for myself. People told me to relax, but I resisted that advice because it made me feel useless.

Fortunately, my wrist recovered almost fully. I have only a small limitation when I flex my hand downward. I can still do a plank, although I have a friend with the exact same injury who cannot. (Which hardly seems fair since she enjoyed planks far more than I ever did!)

Not everyone is so fortunate.

I watch my own mother now, who can no longer move about under her own steam. And at 62, I find myself committed to daily walks and yoga in hopes of preserving mobility for as long as possible.

The Go-Go, Slow-Go and No-Go Years

Many people are familiar with the idea that retirement unfolds in stages:

• the Go-Go years, when we are active and energetic
• the Slow-Go years, when our pace naturally shifts
• the No-Go years, when our world becomes smaller

Ideally, these transitions happen gradually so that we can adapt over time. But they are still transitions, and with transitions often comes loss.

The Loss of Structure and Identity

Some of my former colleagues and clients struggle with what it means to lose a job – whether it was planned or unexpected. Suddenly, the structure is ripped out from under us.

Both the good news, and the bad news, is that we become 100% responsible for our schedules.

I watch people jump into busy and not really take the time to consider what is meaningful for them. You could have 25 or 30 years of retirement. Isn’t that worth planning a little? And I don’t mean only the financial piece. I’m talking about living life intentionally in a way that brings you meaning.  

The Emotional Side of Retirement

Leaving a career, especially one we held for many years, is a significant life transition. Some people seem to move through it with ease, while others struggle to find their footing.

Many people approaching retirement experience feelings they can’t quite explain:

• a sense of sadness
• loss of identity
• regret about paths not taken
• disorientation
• or a quiet fear about what lies ahead

These emotions are more common than we often admit.

Creating Space for Meaning

I don’t pretend to have all the answers.

What I offer as a coach is a chance for you to receive someone’s undivided attention and some thought provoking questions that will get you closer to your own answers. I am comfortable helping clients to discuss the tough topics like aging, regret and loss.

My space is one that invites humans to reconnect with themselves and let go of what has been preventing them from living more freely. After a lifetime of meeting expectations and following cultural conditioning, retirement can become an opportunity to ask a different question:

What would life look like if you began living more by your own rules?

A Remarkable Next Chapter

Retirement still has the potential to be a remarkable chapter of life. It might include time with grandchildren, reconnecting with adult children, travel, volunteering, learning new skills, or exploring interests that were long set aside.

But meaning rarely appears automatically.

It grows from reflection, intention, and honest conversations about what matters now. And sometimes, those conversations begin by acknowledging the losses we carry.

What losses have shaped this stage of your life, and what new meaning might still be waiting on the other side of them?

If you are navigating the emotional side of retirement or retirement loss and want a space to reflect on what comes next, you are always welcome to reach out for a conversation.

Designing a meaningful next chapter is possible, and you don’t have to do it alone. Like more information? Check out my Remarkable Retirement program.