Every day I speak with people who are intelligent, articulate, interesting, successful by most standards and they are looking for “more”. Often, it is difficult to articulate what “more” means, however, they know that something is missing. Or maybe there is too much and they need “less”. They are not enjoying life as much and there is a feeling that they are not quite where they want to be. And I’m not talking about geography although that could be part of it.
Rather, it’s often that the person doesn’t feel that they are who they want to be or haven’t progressed as far as they would like towards some stated goal. And I am seeing higher levels of stress and anxiety than ever. We put so much pressure on ourselves trying to conform to some imaginary standard. We keep looking outside of ourselves for a measurement that we are doing ok. But here’s the thing – we’re not going to find the answers “out there”.
Where to start
There is no “one solution fits all” because everyone is different. And as we begin that exploration of what would make your life meaningful, it helps to understand that there is no “right” or “wrong” answer. It also helps to believe – with everything that you are – that you have the answers – those answers just need a little room to breathe. Sometimes, we keep ourselves busy to avoid listening to that irritating little voice inside our heads that asks “is this all there is?”
Downtime and breaking routines are often necessary. After all, keep doing what you’ve always done, and you’ll keep getting what you’ve always got! It helps to dream a little, take time to ponder and think about what lights you up. Journalling is one way to get those creative ideas coming your way. Spending some time in nature is another way to feel more grounded and more in touch with yourself.
The first step is to figure out that something needs to change before we get down to the business of figuring out “how”. As a coach, I like to begin with who you want to be or what you want to have and then reverse engineer. And this is a very personal process. Even when you have no idea how on earth to proceed. It is amazing what changes in us when we start to consider the possibilities in our own lives.
Someday…. and regrets
Are you constantly telling yourself “someday I will ______________”. How would fill in the blank? Be happy? Do you want to take a trip somewhere? Run a marathon? Make a movie? Tell someone how you feel about them? Write a book? And do you follow up that dream thought with something like“I don’t have enough money”, “I don’t have the time right now”, “What would the neighbours think?” or “I’m not smart enough”?
My latest read is “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying” by Bronnie Ware. It’s an amazing account of what the author learned from years of tending to palliative patients under her care. (It’s a great book!) And the #1 regret makes perfect sense to me – it is – “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” How does this resonate with you?
I hear this from people daily although they are not dying and they are trying to figure out their own best life. Most all of them are in their mid-40s and older.
Coincidentally, that’s around the time that I first really began to feel like I was living someone else’s life. Don’t get me wrong, I did not have an awful life. I simply had become so accustomed to “doing” that I forgot how to feel joy and live in a way that was meaningful to me. It had to stop. I had to relearn how to live in alignment with what is important to me. And first I had to figure out what was important. My changes were drastic and such a gift.
What is important to you? Try this exercise.
Having a difficult time to envision the possibilities in your own life? I have an exercise for you – imagine that you are 95 years-old and you are living where you want. You are surrounded by the people that want in your life and in good health. You have had a good life and you’ve lived your dreams – doing everything that you set out to do. Answer the following questions:
What is your greatest accomplishment?
What are you most proud of?
What brings you joy?
Do you have peace?
Now – does the way that you live your life today lead to that wonderful life described above? If not, what needs to change?